Today I'm grateful...

…that I came up with the idea to write a gratitude blog. I thought it might be a good way to overcome my lifelong negativity and teach myself how to look on the bright side. Although I suspect I don’t quite have the hang of it yet.

Today I'm grateful...

…that everything happens for a reason. And that reason is: God hates me.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I still have all my teeth. Oh, wait. Never mind.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I have a job. Oh, wait. Never mind.

Today I'm grateful...

…for the guy who laid me off. Because before I was laid off, whenever I felt bad about the state of my life, I had no one to blame but myself. Well, not anymore!

Today I'm grateful...

…that I was laid off today. Because it means my future is a mystery, and I love a good mystery.

Today I'm grateful...

…for the two Mormon missionaries who volunteered to help me put out the trash tonight. Even if they were only doing it to get into heaven, I still appreciate it.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I have as many faults as I do. Because it means I'll never run out of things to improve.

Today I'm grateful...

…for the colossal man who sat right up against me on the subway this morning and refused to slide over until I deliberately farted in his direction, proving that I have the power to move mountains. Or at least my farts do.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I have a roof over my head. Next goal: walls.

Today I'm grateful...

…that the older I get, the more attractive I become to desperate single women. If I’m still alive and unattached at 90, I’ll have to fight them off with my walker. In the course of which I’ll accidentally rip out my I.V., collapse, and die on the floor. But the women will weep over my body, which is some consolation, I suppose.

Today I'm grateful...

...for those people in my life who never fail to make me feel like a genius.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I’m not dying of some horrible disease. Although I probably am, since the horrible disease that will someday kill me undoubtedly already exists in my body in a primordial state. So what I should really say is: Today I’m grateful that my horrible disease has not yet begun to show symptoms.

Today I'm grateful...

…that the adversity I face every day of my life is making me stronger, theoretically.