Today I'm grateful...

…for the benign indifference of the universe. Otherwise, things could be much, much worse.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I've never had an embarrassing nickname. But watch, now some wise guy will use this post as an excuse to give me an embarrassing nickname. Or worse, no one will.

Today I'm grateful...

…that the 10 years I worked as an editor taught me the value of brevity in attracting readers, something I've put to good use in this blog that nobody reads.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I haven't gone on a murderous rampage yet. So there's that to look forward to.

Today I'm grateful...

…that the worst part of my subway ride today was listening to the recorded announcement by the guy who says "Courtesy is contagious" with a falling inflection, followed by "And it starts with you," also said with a falling inflection, which gives the announcement an awkward false ending that the voiceover's tin-eared producer was oblivious to but that grates on my nerves every damn time I hear it, negating the very feeling of civility the MTA hopes to inspire, because I despise people who are bad at their job so much that I want to kick them in the shins. That's what I'm grateful for today. That I didn't kick anyone in the shins.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I can serve as an inspiration to people who are miserable and depressed about their lives, because they can look at me and think, "Well, at least I'm not him."

Today I'm grateful...

…that although the $120,000 I spent on an MFA did nothing for my career, it did gain me about 50 good friends. And at $2,400 apiece, they’d better be.

Today I'm grateful...

…for my lifelong battle with depression. Because it means that when something really depressing happens, I feel pretty much the same as I always do.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I don't have any tattoos. Because tattoos mean that law enforcement authorities always have a way to identify you. Also, coroners.

Today I'm grateful...

…for the power of self-delusion. Otherwise, things would be much, much worse.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I still have enough money to feed myself. Although not enough money to feed myself with anything so healthy that it might extend my lifespan. Because that would just prolong the misery.

Today I'm grateful...

…that I'm not an alcoholic. Although if I were, that would explain a lot.